Alcohol solves my problems, kind of

Moving on to my main point for tonight, alcohol is a great thing. Now I know this is an alcoholics blog but there's ganna be a short PSA announcement. I'm an alcoholic, 100%, no denying that but that doesn't mean I'm proud of it. Yeah I have fun and yeah I'm not a boring motherfucker but at the same time I've fucked up my liver and I've done some shit that I'm not too proud of. The result has been me cutting back on my drinking and if you don't want to lose the people close to you, and you have a problem, you may want to consider slowing the stream down a little.

So fuck all that noise, which asshole said we should stop drinking. He's probably a looser but back to why drinking is awesome. It's an anytime drug. There is no occasion where booze isn't acceptable or encouraged. Don't believe me? You can drink when you're sad, happy, bored, nervous, it's too hot, drunk, when there's free booze and my personal favourite...because it's Monday.

Drinking the right amount to get that good buzz is what it's all about, well for most people. If you can find what it takes to get you there then you're sweet. It's that perfect place where you have enough confidence to chat up those girls that you've been staring at awkwardly from the corner and not too much that you go and throw up on them as soon as you open your mouth. The buzz is bliss, it just makes everything so light and airy, all the dumb shit you worry about during the day just seems to fall away.

I'm too distracted to really talk about much today, my mind is going a million miles an hour at the moment but I needed to get something out. Anyway, I'd like you all to have a drink and toast with me, anyone who reads this is a legend and I'm happy for anyone I've made laugh. Even if it's only a handful of you guys at least...oh god too many feelings. I was having a moment but oh god no, too much for one blog. Drink up!

-Bassam

Why whisky is a manly drink

So yeah there's been a post about whisky before but whisky is awesome so fuck it. I'm here today to tell you why whisky is manly as fuck. It'll turn your life around, all you need to do is try it! Yeah I'm trying to become a motivational speaker but it's really tough when you tell people to drink and then they get lazy.

Ok so let's get this shit started. The Irish are awesome and that has a lot to do with how bloody good their whisky is. They love it so much that the name whisky actually means 'water of life' in Gaelic.Everyone knows that water is the basis of all life on earth and without water we'd all die, so, technically, whisky is life. Of course that may have just been a marketing ploy in order to sell more whisky but eh.

Here's an awesome picture that explains...some other shit. I hope you all know that scotch is just the Scottish version of whisky...if you didn't then you have two choices. 1) Leave. 2) Get off your ass, head down to an establishment with some booze and sit around a table playing poker while smoking cigars and sipping this damn fine concoction.

                         

I would point out that the 'developing and interest in sex' point is more from the perspective of women to you, as long as they're straight obviously... But there have been reports that the sheer manliness exuding from certain individuals after a few glasses of the good stuff has been enough to turn lesbians straight. Food for thought. 

For men, giving one another a bottle of whisky shows that you respect them as a man and encourage displays of this manliness through the consumption of whisky. When was the last time you looked at a guy drinking whisky and thought "That guy's a fucking pussy!" The answer is never because real men drink whisky. It's like manliness in a bottle and if you have aspirations of becoming a man all you need to do is pour yourself some water of life and down that shit!

I've taken the time to ask groundskeeper Wille if it's required for a man to drink whisky and he replied...

Look how manly he is, all thanks to whisky. He'll punch your face off if you say otherwise.

Anyway, that's my time for today. Drink up and make sure it's whisky! 

-Bassam

Uncle Mings! - Just a quick post

So a week ago it was my brothers 18th! And thank fuck we don't have to wait until 21 to drink in the land down under...well publicly. No one really paid attention to that law right? No? Good good haha. Why am I even asking, this is a blog that alcoholics read...well not really sure if anyone actually reads this blog but I'd like to think I'm cheering some lonely fucker up. Anyway! No idea why i'm in a good mood today considering this week has been pretty shit, I've talked about it on my other blog, http://shitigotupto.blogspot.com.au/ so you can check that out if you want, but fuck it I'm in a good mood. Back to the topic at hand, so my brother is one of those "oh nah man I'll never drink alcohol is bad for you" bla bla bla kind of people. Which, as you know, is in stark contrast to how I conduct myself. I've tackled a goat for looking at me funny for fuck sake. Ok so my brother, we managed to get five drinks into him which was enough to get him tipsy. Hey hey I know five isn't anything but it's a leg up from Mr. I'm ganna stay sober. At least I got "Hey Bassam...I'm feeling dizzy". It was just a casual night out at Uncle Mings with a few mates. All in all I have no complaints about it. We even went for krispy kremes and a maccas run afterwards because who doesn't want liver failure and a heart attack. But you know the night wasn't completely uneventful, I did get a slapped on the ass by this cute girl, even got her number. Wayyyyyyyy out of my league but eh, might ask her out at some point. We've been chatting but nothing serious. I'm just stoked I got my brother to get out, he's really fucking lazy sometimes. I love him but holy shit! I don't get it...every time he comes out he has a good time so it's not like there's a reason to not go out other than him just not wanting to get off his ass. God damn. He really needs to get laid. Then again, it's been like a good month for me so I can't really say shit. But hell, if you're ever in Sydney and you want a chill place to go to, hit up Uncle Mings and ask for Stephen, Mia or J-man, they'll hook you up with some good shit.

Well if you've read my post on the other blog you'd know that I've been getting drunk a few times this week...three to be exact or was it two...fuck knows. Yeah that's bad for my liver but that's kinda healing anyway so eh, shit happens. Anyways last night I went back to Uncle motherfucking Mings, saw my bartender mate, Stephen and had a great time with a few mates I hadn't seen in months. Only had three drinks the whole night, I was pretty proud of myself...well until I had the four smokes but you know, baby steps. Not sure what it is but people I'm with get the shits that I make 'friends' everywhere I go. You know, just casual conversation to bartenders, bouncers rand random people, because I like talking. I mean fuck, I'm writing a blog about absolutely nothing and most of it is just rambling so I guess you've kinda figured I like to run my mouth a bit. Anyways so yeah they get annoyed but this time I didn't even start the conversation and my mates rolled their eyes haha. I was smoking this mini cigar and this random was like "damn man, I didn't think anyone smoked these anymore, that's awesome", hey man his words not mine. So I just started talking to him. But apparently I have a problem when it comes to talking to strangers, I really don't see the problem but it's been mentioned on multiple occasions.

I just realised this isn't turning into just a quick post and I'd almost forgotten to chuck in a drunk story! The audacity of me, shame shall be mine forever. So on the way home, I'd gotten off the bus and I was just walking to my car, I bumped into this drunk chick walking out of a club in my area, ore rather she bumped into me and kinda collapsed in my arms. What was I ganna do? Of course I caught her, I wasn't just ganna let her fall on the floor, jeez man... But yeah the club is pretty shit but I live about an hour away from the city so if you're not bothered to trek all the way there then it's not too bad. Ok so apparently this chick had gotten into a fight with her boyfriend about cheating on him or something. How do you know this you ask, well he came running out of the club, and at me, yelling "IS THIS THE MOTHERFUCKER YOU'VE BEEN SCREWING?!" I wasn't really sure what to do here so I put the drunk girl down on a bench only to turn around just in time to see this drunk fuck attempt to jump kick me. To put it simply...he missed. He thought I was a tree, or rather that the tree was me. He then sprung up and said "Woah...*burp*...I don't *hiccup* want any trouble man...I just... *puke*...yeah." Then he just walked the fuck away... Meanwhile the bouncer was just having a smoke, oh yeh mate just have a smoke while this crazy drunk asshole comes and tries to beat the shit out of me. I walked up to him, after putting the girl in a cab, and asked why the fuck didn't he come and help. His answer was golden. "Yeah, well you see man, I'd have loved to, like really but the thing is they only pay me to monitor shit 10m around this place. You were like at least 15m or so. So really my hands were tied." At least I know I can throw rocks at the motherfucker from 11m away and he can't do shit about it. He wasn't happy when I expressed this sentiment as I briskly walked away.

Anyways that's all I really have to say today. Stay safe and have a beer or six. Later!

-Bassam

Beer Pong - For the average asshole student

Everyone knows beer pong, we've all watched shitty American teen flicks and seen the jocks ace it and get the bitches. Hook shots left right and center. Balls deep in those holes. The cups holes you dirty minded freak... What would your mother think, jesus man. And yeah, I didn't capitalise jesus because I'm badass like that. Anyway other than staring death in the face, I do play a bit of beer pong from time to time and I'm here to give you some tips! Yeah! Like that tip you're ganna give that hot chick over there! So you don't completely embarrass yourself before throwing up on that hot piece of ass you had your eyes on all night. The sex jokes are there because it's a party scene ya fucking druggo and also because I'm bored as hell.

Anyway, moving right the fuck on. If any of you alcoholics don't know the rules to beer pong, here's a link.

http://www.bpong.com/beer-pong-rules/

We both know you won't look at it or really even remember it past your next few drinks but to keep this blog somewhat informative I thought I may as well chuck it in. You know, for the aspiring alcoholics, they're people too. Granted they aren't very fun people...yet.

Ok so the tips. I have a few of them and well honestly they're pretty straight forward.

The first one is to focus on shooting it in one hole at a time, like with girls there's no point trying to bag every single one at once. Focus on the easiest to get and work your way from there once you have a few notches on your belt and some god damn confidence.

Next on the list is it's all in the wrist. Just like a good wank or hand job it's all about that wrist. Yeah yeah I could have compared it to tennis but where's the fun in that. Players that use a karate chop shot often walk away from the table in shame because they suck at both life and beer pong. They'll never get laid. Instead try work that sexy wrist flick into your shot.

Has anyone here actually played basketball? No? Well shit. Ok well if you were cool enough to have played the sport for any length of time you'd know that after every shot the have to follow through. You use your whole body to make a shot and not just your arm. Don't be like those roided up jocks who just peg the ball into the cup, have some god damn class. You might have not been able to score with that stunner over there but I'll make sure you can at least get your ball wet.

The last one goes fairly unnoticed and it's all about rhythm. If you and the members of your team keep missing your damn shots you can try to change the shooting order. "How will this help" they all ask inquisitively? Well I'm about to drop a knowledge bomb on you fuckers. *Real talk alert* As with anything in life when you're not in the mood or 'feeling it' you won't perform well. Sometimes all you need to do is break out of routine and in this case just switch the order in which your members shoot in.

That's all the wisdom I have for today. Not everything in life is important but if you suck at beer pong you can say good bye to your chances of hooking up with Stacey, and her mum.

-Bassam

Holy shit I'm back! / Lord of the Rings drinking game

Ok so things came up and I didn't really have time to post anything...I feel horrible about not entertaining you assholes, so sorry. I guess. Wait...why am I apologising?! Fuck you all, you don't matter anyway. I had exams and then I forgot about all of you. Well...there aren't enough of you to use the word 'all' but I appreciate the few of you basement dwellers that check in every now and then. Anyway, the reason I forgot about this blog was because I pretty much stopped drinking...yeah. I know, the end of the world is nigh. So basically my cirrhosis got worse for a time so I decided to cut drinking out. This blog did encourage my drinking habits so it wasn't so I guess I lied when I said I forgot about the blog. I cut the blog out. Though now I do have more control over everything and I did enjoy writing even if no one likes it or gives a shit. So here I am you little shits.

I've been thinking about some shit recently, especially since I just broke up with my girlfriend today. Or well let's be fair, she ended it. It's about the itch for the bottle I have right now. I mean who wouldn't love just forgetting everything and waking up in their own vomit! Fucking sounds like a dream to me. The advantage of smelling like vomit is that you don't have to worry about the people you hate coming near you... I guess the people you like won't come around either...but eh, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Fucking stupid expression but whatever, who would want a cake just to have and not for eating. It's like having a toilet and never vomiting in it...bloody useless. Anyways the point is if I drink too much shit gets worse and then I could, maybe, possibly, probably die. From what I hear you can't drink when you're dead. Yep, wouldn't be my blog without being morbid as fuck.

SO! The Lord of the Rings drinking game...fucking fantastic stuff. I've played it many times but there was this one time...that... Ok so I'd just come from Norway and I wanted to impress some people by being able to drink a lot. So basically what happened is that these assholes were taking sips when the rules we said we'd play by were shots every time we had to drink. In 30 minutes I went through a liter of rum.... Long story shot, my mate was asking me about the movie, I'm a LoTR fan, and I projectile vomited in his face from two meters away. It was fucking fantastic and everyone in school gave me high fives the day after. Apparently this was the 5th time he'd been vomited on...so really it's his fault. To top it all off I all but destroyed the rug and his VERY INDIAN mother came home to see me hunched over the toilet with the bathroom covered in vomit. Nothing against Indians but they can be strict a lot of the time and have problems with people drinking at all.... And then my VERY ARABIC father came over in the middle of the night to come pick his idiot son up.... So you know...a great night hahaha

I think I'm just going to keep it short tonight, not really feeling it but I promise I will be back with more horrible grammar and shitty stories.

-Bassam

A new blog! + Some shit about schoolies

So this new blog that I've been going on and on about is finally here! You can find it at http://shitigotupto.blogspot.com.au/ . So this other blog is going to be pretty different, you can read all about it in the introduction there. It will probably take over from this blog bit by bit.

So let me get on with it. So in Australia we have this thing called schoolies. What happens is that after our final exams we all go on a trip somewhere, usually up to the coast, and get fucking drunk for a week. My mates and I weren't really bothered to go up to a crowded city and be in the party scene so we went up to a little place called Woy Woy to chill. Basically we got drunk, fished (kinda) and smoked cigars. Bloody ripper of a time. I got drunk once this trip, sobered up a couple of days after I got home.

So you know this trip is ganna be great when four guys can't carry all the booze up to the rooms in one go. So basically the first thing we did after getting settled into the rooms was drink a bit...well I did. Just opened up a few bottles here and there, just for starters. Now I can't remember exactly which day we met up with my uncles mate but he was a little surprised when I refused a beer. Yes...yes I refused a beer. I mean it was around 3pm or something and I'd had at least a bottle or so by then. One beer leads to another and then the next thing you know I'm being kicked out of the RSL in Woy Woy...not an accolade you'd want. Anyways we had a nice dinner there. Yes, I'm capable of having nice dinners you fuckers. Just because I was drunk doesn't mean I wasn't respectful to the early bird diners there...even though it really didn't matter since they were going to kick the bucket soon. I also would have given them a good story to brighten up their dreary lives of shuffling around...fuck I should have been an asshole to help these poor old people.

After we parted ways with the uncle the plan after that was to go get maggot drunk...or well, in my case, it was to stay drunk and then to go fishing off the pier. We met some interesting characters, one by the name of Tiny, a fucking massive bloke, and the other figure was shrouded in mystery, only to be known as the majestic 'fuck knuckle'. These two interesting characters joined us in our drunken stupors and 'fishing'. Ok so let me clear things up, here in Straya we're allowed to drink in public if we are fishing. Fishing is defined as having a line in the water...it never specified if the line need have a) bait b) a hook or c) a sinker. So it was pretty much 6 drunk idiots sitting on the pier with lines in the water, pay no attention to them at all, smoking and drinking. What more could you ask for!? We even witnessed some gronk being kicked out of his RV after having an argument with his wife! I mean that's quality entertainment right there. He just dragged his ass to the pub, fuckin' Straya.

Sadly we had to part ways with Tiny and fuck knuckle but the fun didn't stop there. We stayed in our motel room drinking and talking shit. We even played shot chess. It's fucking great, you just keep losing pieces so you can drink more. We also played shot bullshit...now everyone knows what bullshit is. If you don't you can go and fuck yourself or look it up, either or. So basically I'd always call bullshit...even if my mates called 1 ace at the start of the game. I'm an alcoholic, if you hadn't figured this out by now. Don't judge me, you're living in your mum's basement. After a solid night of getting drunk and smoking it was time to sleep.

My mates had the best idea of going to play paintball at 7 in the fucking morning. I have a bad back so I told them to fuck right off. In any case they went and left me in a room full of alcohol for 4 or 5 hours... When they got back my face was red as fuck and there were a few empty bottles of whiskey and the like. I mean honestly...what did they expect. The rest of the trip was much the same, us wondering around like drunken toddlers. The only difference between my mates and I was that they sobered up several times throughout the trip...I'm convinced it was so they could laugh at the stupid shit I was doing...like throwing candy out the window trying to hit other drunk people. Or drinking baileys when I'm lactose intolerant. Or just watching me drunk talk for days... At one point we thought it'd be a great idea for four drunk teenagers to take a boat for a spin...ah fuck that was a good trip.

Check out my other blog, it might not be for everyone but give it a go. As always, you can fuck right off now.

-Bassam

I was sober last night...

So first off Viet the underling may come back and write a blog post every now and then. I don't know if that's news to get excited or disappointed about but it's news.

Ah well time to start the monotony. So I went to a birthday party last night full of people I either haven't met before or hardly knew. I hardly knew the guy it was for but Isaiah is a cool dude and we get along. The worst part is that I was sober... I mean it is all my fault but I'd like you to think I'm innocent in all of this, much like a puppy or small child. Wait...small children are dicks. They have no empathy at all and seek to make the lives of everyone around them a living hell, especially on a plane. Holy shit stop crying! Yeah I know they can't help it but it doesn't help that the parents drink enough so that they can fall asleep and neglect this little miracle. There should totally be a sign in all airports "We love children but please keep your little miracles at home. They never fucking shut up. Thank you". I love my tangents don't I... Anyway, back to the story. I went waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy over the drinks amount my doctor prescribed for this week so I, you know, don't die. But I took some meds and it's all good, for now. I doubled my limit on Monday. And then I ran...oh god don't ever run after drinking. Re flux is horrible. Then on Wednesday I went to Uncle Mings again, no regrets. I did get hit...a lot. I mean I guess I was a massive smartass but it's all in good fun hey.

As you can tell this week was off to a smashing start! So basically if I didn't want to die I couldn't drink at this party. I thought it wouldn't be too bad. I'd like to preface this by saying I am usually right about most things. I have a fair understanding of how interactions will work out and all that shit. Now in saying that...I have never been so wrong about how a night would turn out... Well there was this one Valentines day...but that's for later. So you know how you go into a party as friend of a friend and people generally make conversation to help you ease into all their inside jokes and shit? Well these fuckers didn't do any of that shit. They were just like "Who the fuck is this new kid? Ah well, let's just not say hi or anything." So I pretty much third wheeled with Viet and his girlfriend, Tara, all night. Sober. Stone cold sober. I mean Viet is an asshole, that's why he's my mate and I love him. Tara is nice too but you know, shit can only get you so far when it comes to the F-factor. Fun factor...get your minds out of the gutter. Bloody sickos all of you.

I think the most exciting thing about this party was Jun and Valerie cooking Korean food. It was fucking amazeballs! They are the cutest couple ever. Valerie had one drink and was off her faceeee! She was pretending she was a character from a game called League of Legends. And then she fell asleep so the party got boring again. So what I'm trying to say is that alcohol fixes things. You know...don't fuck your liver up like me but if things are awkward and you can drink...drink.

Oh fuck how could I forget, thanks for reminding me Tara. My reversing skills are second to none. So what you do when you want someone freak the fuck out is find an empty street and reverse really fast. Now...the catch is to swerve left and right in sharp motions in order to add the effect of a roller coaster but in the comfort of a Toyota Corolla. It's bloody brilliant.

As a side note. Every guy should know this. This is a mans survival guide to an angry woman. Step 1, listen. Step 2, agree with her complaints. Step 3, give her wine, chocolate and tell her to lie down while watching her favourite show. Step 4, actually fix the problem while she's asleep. Step 5, the final step and the most important to men....drink the rest of the wine...

An exchange from the party last night...

Me: Sorry Isaiah I'm ganna head off. I don't really know all that many people here.
Isaiah: All good mate, cheers for coming round. Should go grabs drinks soon.
Me: Yeah man for sure.
Fabio: Hey man! You know me!
Me: Yeah but you're awkward as fuck.
*Walks away from laughter leaving Fabio confused and embarrassed*

Price of fuel: $5
Look on Fabios face: Priceless
And for everything else, there's Mastercard.

I know...I need to get sponsors.

That's my time for today. Hopefully I'll get this new blog up soon. I just have to figure out how much I'm willing to share.

-Bassam