So first off Viet the underling may come back and write a blog post every now and then. I don't know if that's news to get excited or disappointed about but it's news.
Ah well time to start the monotony. So I went to a birthday party last night full of people I either haven't met before or hardly knew. I hardly knew the guy it was for but Isaiah is a cool dude and we get along. The worst part is that I was sober... I mean it is all my fault but I'd like you to think I'm innocent in all of this, much like a puppy or small child. Wait...small children are dicks. They have no empathy at all and seek to make the lives of everyone around them a living hell, especially on a plane. Holy shit stop crying! Yeah I know they can't help it but it doesn't help that the parents drink enough so that they can fall asleep and neglect this little miracle. There should totally be a sign in all airports "We love children but please keep your little miracles at home. They never fucking shut up. Thank you". I love my tangents don't I... Anyway, back to the story. I went waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy over the drinks amount my doctor prescribed for this week so I, you know, don't die. But I took some meds and it's all good, for now. I doubled my limit on Monday. And then I ran...oh god don't ever run after drinking. Re flux is horrible. Then on Wednesday I went to Uncle Mings again, no regrets. I did get hit...a lot. I mean I guess I was a massive smartass but it's all in good fun hey.
As you can tell this week was off to a smashing start! So basically if I didn't want to die I couldn't drink at this party. I thought it wouldn't be too bad. I'd like to preface this by saying I am usually right about most things. I have a fair understanding of how interactions will work out and all that shit. Now in saying that...I have never been so wrong about how a night would turn out... Well there was this one Valentines day...but that's for later. So you know how you go into a party as friend of a friend and people generally make conversation to help you ease into all their inside jokes and shit? Well these fuckers didn't do any of that shit. They were just like "Who the fuck is this new kid? Ah well, let's just not say hi or anything." So I pretty much third wheeled with Viet and his girlfriend, Tara, all night. Sober. Stone cold sober. I mean Viet is an asshole, that's why he's my mate and I love him. Tara is nice too but you know, shit can only get you so far when it comes to the F-factor. Fun factor...get your minds out of the gutter. Bloody sickos all of you.
I think the most exciting thing about this party was Jun and Valerie cooking Korean food. It was fucking amazeballs! They are the cutest couple ever. Valerie had one drink and was off her faceeee! She was pretending she was a character from a game called League of Legends. And then she fell asleep so the party got boring again. So what I'm trying to say is that alcohol fixes things. You know...don't fuck your liver up like me but if things are awkward and you can drink...drink.
Oh fuck how could I forget, thanks for reminding me Tara. My reversing skills are second to none. So what you do when you want someone freak the fuck out is find an empty street and reverse really fast. Now...the catch is to swerve left and right in sharp motions in order to add the effect of a roller coaster but in the comfort of a Toyota Corolla. It's bloody brilliant.
As a side note. Every guy should know this. This is a mans survival guide to an angry woman. Step 1, listen. Step 2, agree with her complaints. Step 3, give her wine, chocolate and tell her to lie down while watching her favourite show. Step 4, actually fix the problem while she's asleep. Step 5, the final step and the most important to men....drink the rest of the wine...
An exchange from the party last night...
Me: Sorry Isaiah I'm ganna head off. I don't really know all that many people here.
Isaiah: All good mate, cheers for coming round. Should go grabs drinks soon.
Me: Yeah man for sure.
Fabio: Hey man! You know me!
Me: Yeah but you're awkward as fuck.
*Walks away from laughter leaving Fabio confused and embarrassed*
Price of fuel: $5
Look on Fabios face: Priceless
And for everything else, there's Mastercard.
I know...I need to get sponsors.
That's my time for today. Hopefully I'll get this new blog up soon. I just have to figure out how much I'm willing to share.
-Bassam
Friday, 30 May 2014
Sunday, 25 May 2014
Akvavit - The Scandinavians do it better
So to start off, one of my mates suggested that I should do a post where I get progressively more drunk as I write this. This particular asshole is one of my best mates so I will honor his wishes. I can't remember what his exact requests were but I will get him to write them down sometime. I know it involves no backspacing...so enjoy that when it comes around. Also weird shit happened last night, I wasn't drinking but that's not the weirdest part. Some shit never leaves you. If one of my mates wasn't one of my closest friends already...he sure as fuck is now. That's all I'm going to say about that.
Anyways let's get down to business...to defeat the Huns
Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch I've ever met
But you can bet before we're though
Mister, I'll make a man out of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
The saddest part about that is that I didn't have to look anything up...
Moving on. So akvavit is a Scandinavian drink that's similar to vodka but better! I lived in Norway for four and a half years so you bet there is a story at the end of this. The European Union has actually said that in order for this drink to be called akvavit it must have at least 37.5% ABV. Yeah I'm learning things here too, ABV is alcohol by volume, never really bothered too look up what it meant exactly. The root of akvavit is from the latin term aqua vitae, meaning water of life. These guys knew what was up. The earliest known reference of this drink is in 1531 was in an exchange of letter involving some royal fucks from Denmark and Norway. They didn't do anything ever, they just sat their fat, pompous asses on their respective thrones and got drunk of akvavit. I mean why would you ever do anything else, ever. In the spirit of hangovers the Scandinavians usually chase akvavit with beer. Why haven't I ever thought of this before, all alcohol is missing is more alcohol. Like I said akvavit is similar to vodka and I did a post about vodka a few days ago but just in case you alcoholics have already wiped that part of your memory clean, I'll go through how akvavit is made. In Norway they use potatoes but it is also possible to make it from grains. Just speaking from experience, distilling it from potatoes is by far the best way. Depending on the brand it can be flavoured in a number of ways. The most common is caraway but other flavours used include the addition of cardamom, cumin, anise, fennel, dill and lemon or orange peels.
Oh right, story time. So akvavit is most commonly drunk during celebrations. When my family first moved to Norway we were invited by one of my dads colleagues to attend some birthday or other. I wasn't really paying much attention to whose event it was or where in Oslo this event was being held. Cut me some slack, I was 12 and had just started discovering girls so you can imagine. Anyway so when we got there I noticed a cute girl named Emma. Yeah sue me, her name wasn't very foreign, you'll get over it. I noticed she was drinking something that smelt like shit but I wanted to keep talking to her and fit in so I grabbed a glass. I knew it was some sort of alcohol so to show off I downed the whole glass... See what I failed to realise was that a) I'd taken from the adult table where the serving was a whole wine glass whereas the kids table was more like a shot in a wine glass, b) I was 12 and this shit was 40% ethanol. Needless to say I made quite an impression of everyone. I tend to get excited and happy when I'm drunk, right before I crash, kinda like a sugar high. So everyone thought I'd just been into the sweets that were there... Emma ended up being my first kiss, behind some tree in the back yard. I was a very happy camper that night. I didn't even call back. I know right, what a player.
That's my time for today. I'm actually kind of getting bored about writing about different types of alcohol. It's the same mundane list I tick off every time. Some shitty intro, followed up by a bunch of smartass humor about the history of the drink and fairly similar cheesy jokes from post to post. I may start my new blog sooner than expected. I'll keep you guys updated on that though. Hahah look at me, talking like anyone actually reads this. Ah well, see you later.
-Bassam
Anyways let's get down to business...to defeat the Huns
Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch I've ever met
But you can bet before we're though
Mister, I'll make a man out of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
The saddest part about that is that I didn't have to look anything up...
And yes, listen to it! He should have just given them akvavit and they'd have manned up real quick.
Moving on. So akvavit is a Scandinavian drink that's similar to vodka but better! I lived in Norway for four and a half years so you bet there is a story at the end of this. The European Union has actually said that in order for this drink to be called akvavit it must have at least 37.5% ABV. Yeah I'm learning things here too, ABV is alcohol by volume, never really bothered too look up what it meant exactly. The root of akvavit is from the latin term aqua vitae, meaning water of life. These guys knew what was up. The earliest known reference of this drink is in 1531 was in an exchange of letter involving some royal fucks from Denmark and Norway. They didn't do anything ever, they just sat their fat, pompous asses on their respective thrones and got drunk of akvavit. I mean why would you ever do anything else, ever. In the spirit of hangovers the Scandinavians usually chase akvavit with beer. Why haven't I ever thought of this before, all alcohol is missing is more alcohol. Like I said akvavit is similar to vodka and I did a post about vodka a few days ago but just in case you alcoholics have already wiped that part of your memory clean, I'll go through how akvavit is made. In Norway they use potatoes but it is also possible to make it from grains. Just speaking from experience, distilling it from potatoes is by far the best way. Depending on the brand it can be flavoured in a number of ways. The most common is caraway but other flavours used include the addition of cardamom, cumin, anise, fennel, dill and lemon or orange peels.
Oh right, story time. So akvavit is most commonly drunk during celebrations. When my family first moved to Norway we were invited by one of my dads colleagues to attend some birthday or other. I wasn't really paying much attention to whose event it was or where in Oslo this event was being held. Cut me some slack, I was 12 and had just started discovering girls so you can imagine. Anyway so when we got there I noticed a cute girl named Emma. Yeah sue me, her name wasn't very foreign, you'll get over it. I noticed she was drinking something that smelt like shit but I wanted to keep talking to her and fit in so I grabbed a glass. I knew it was some sort of alcohol so to show off I downed the whole glass... See what I failed to realise was that a) I'd taken from the adult table where the serving was a whole wine glass whereas the kids table was more like a shot in a wine glass, b) I was 12 and this shit was 40% ethanol. Needless to say I made quite an impression of everyone. I tend to get excited and happy when I'm drunk, right before I crash, kinda like a sugar high. So everyone thought I'd just been into the sweets that were there... Emma ended up being my first kiss, behind some tree in the back yard. I was a very happy camper that night. I didn't even call back. I know right, what a player.
That's my time for today. I'm actually kind of getting bored about writing about different types of alcohol. It's the same mundane list I tick off every time. Some shitty intro, followed up by a bunch of smartass humor about the history of the drink and fairly similar cheesy jokes from post to post. I may start my new blog sooner than expected. I'll keep you guys updated on that though. Hahah look at me, talking like anyone actually reads this. Ah well, see you later.
-Bassam
Friday, 23 May 2014
Soju - For Mongols on the go
So the history lesson begins right off the mark! Exciting, new, fresh and...who am I kidding, no one gives a rats ass where the history lesson comes in. You guys know about arak from my previous posts, because you're all such dedicated readers and all that shit. Yay for you! Also you might want to get your mental health checked out if you've been reading all these posts. Hey I'm just looking out for you, don't be a dick about it. So what the Mongols did was basically kick everyone's ass everywhere. Like a bull in a china shop or a bull anywhere really. I mean it's a fucking bull, it'll fuck whatever it wants up. They picked up certain skills on their many endeavors. Like how to pour molten gold over a surrendering head of state or how to manage supply routes, you know, the day to day things that keep a huge nation running. The most important thing they learnt though was how to make arak. Apparently these mongol snobs didn't quite like the taste of it. I suppose their taste buds have been destroyed by the curdled horse milk they enjoyed so much, and the cheese they made from it. So what they decided to do was to create something new called soju. This drink was mainly produced in Korea around the 13th century. Everyone knows the official story of why the North and South split but only a few of us know the truth...I'll share it with you at great risk to my life. They were arguing over whose soju was better, plain and simple. Like two girls fighting over the same boy for prom night...it gets ugly. And I mean ugly...there's running mascara and tears, ugh. Moooooving on, it says most brands of soju are from South Korea but that's just because the North wants to keep all the good shit to themselves. I'm telling you, don't trust what you hear on the news. What is true though is that the alcohol percentage ranges from 16 to 40 and, unless you're a sorority girl, it is served neat. This is also another grain alcohol, who needs food when you can get drunk. Apparently South Korea needs food because they called a ban in production of soju from 1965 to 1999 due to rice shortages. What madness is this?! 35 whole years without soju...what were the Koreans going to drink. Oh right, I guess they could just import stuff or make other drinks that didn't involve rice...but if I lead with that there'd be no drama. You all love dramas right?
So now that we have all that boring shit out of the way, it's time for me to tell you about a story of mine. So snuggle up, make yourself a cup of tea and get ready to be put to sleep. Fuck...I mean it's relaxing to read not boring. You know what fuck you, I don't see you writing anything so just shut your fat gob. So I went to Uncle Mings, yes! The greatest bar in the world, 55 york street in Sydney. More shameless advertising and still no damn pay. The soju I had basically tasted like bitter water. Even the bitterness was so faint that I didn't notice that it wasn't water... See shit like this is why I have a damaged liver. And that girl I mentioned last post is on my god damn ass to get this thing out already. Mainly because she can't deal with this weird kid in her group. It's kinda funny really. Anyways my mate that was with meat the time thought it'd be funny to give me a whole bottle of this but in the cups they have water in. Long story short after a long stumble to the bus stop I threw up on some lady who slapped me with her purse. I swear the bitch had bricks in there.
So now that we have all that boring shit out of the way, it's time for me to tell you about a story of mine. So snuggle up, make yourself a cup of tea and get ready to be put to sleep. Fuck...I mean it's relaxing to read not boring. You know what fuck you, I don't see you writing anything so just shut your fat gob. So I went to Uncle Mings, yes! The greatest bar in the world, 55 york street in Sydney. More shameless advertising and still no damn pay. The soju I had basically tasted like bitter water. Even the bitterness was so faint that I didn't notice that it wasn't water... See shit like this is why I have a damaged liver. And that girl I mentioned last post is on my god damn ass to get this thing out already. Mainly because she can't deal with this weird kid in her group. It's kinda funny really. Anyways my mate that was with meat the time thought it'd be funny to give me a whole bottle of this but in the cups they have water in. Long story short after a long stumble to the bus stop I threw up on some lady who slapped me with her purse. I swear the bitch had bricks in there.
Yeah that was pretty much me, the guy on the right.
Are you happy now Allegra?! It's fucking done...jeez, women these days. I swear that's why men started brewing this shit, something had to work. Anyways that's my time for now. As always, drink up.
"I'm so sorry ma'am...that's a nice dress though" - some random blogger in a drunken stupor.
-Bassam
PSA and then some shit about Vodka - Because Russia
Now before I get started there are some things I should mention. So the group project for this blog is over, thank fuck. I finally can delete the other rubbish that was on here. Let's face it...only Viet and I wrote anything good, well maybe not good but half decent at least. The others just copy pasted facts onto here and messed up the whole vibe mannnnn, shit wasn't natural or from the soul *said in a cringe hippy voice*. So since the project is over the natural thing to do here is to stop right? Wrong! Fuck you guys aren't going to get rid of me that easily. I rather enjoyed my rambling and my therapist said it'd be good for me to get my thoughts out on paper, so to speak. Yeah I have a therapist you judgmental fucks. You don't honestly think this kinda shit comes out of a sane person do you? In any case I will be continuing these posts until I die or get bored, not sure which one will come first honestly. I will probably stop posting on this blog in the near future and start up another with a totally different focus, based on my experiences. Yeah I'm young but I've seen some shit. Anyway that is for another time.
Without further adieu let's get back to what this blog is really about, alcohol. So do you guys and gals remember, in the post about sake? Where I mentioned how it's cold as your bitch of an exs heart when it's winter in Japan. In saying that, my most recent break up was alright, maybe they're not all bad. Food for thought! Hahah yeah you didn't think you'd have to think when you came to this blog did you, well tough tits. I'm very stimulating. I just realised how that sounded...no you got me, I don't write anything by accident. Back to my god damn point, if you don't remember the sake post then that's your loss because that was a choice blog post. I'm not about to go spoon feed you the details so go check it out using that side bar thing on the right. So winter in Japan might be cold but do you know where it's colder? Yeah you guessed it, Russia! The title may have given it away so no gold star for you. People say coffee is a hug from the inside...those people obviously haven't tried an Irish coffee. More importantly those people haven't tried or had enough Vodka. Now vodka tastes like absolute shit, hahah vodka joke, but it'll wake you right the hell up and give you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Kind of like a litter of puppies pilling on you. If you haven't had a litter of puppies jump on you all at once then go do that shit, they're adorable and fluffy. Either that or drink some vodka.
Now to keep in the spirit of things I'll provide some facts. It's usually around 40% ethanol which is a solid percentage. The funniest thing about this drink though is that it's name comes from a Slavic word for water, vod, yeah you know because it goes down just the same huh. This kind of explains a few of the stereotypes about the Russians and their love of vodka. I suppose it's fitting since it's basically water and ethanol, I mean why add flavour, ain't nobody got time for that when they're freezing their balls off up there. They just want puppy hugs! Don't let Russian people scare you, they're always giving out hugs...in bottles.
I don't really have a story for you about myself this time because I don't really enjoy drinking this stuff. I'd rather poison myself in other ways. But what I do have for you today is a great story of turning vodka into water, or well getting someone to believe that the vodka was water. So this guy was drunk as hell already...I mean he couldn't tell the difference between vodka and water. So what one of my mates decided to do was to play a drinking game, drink for drink. He filled his glass up with water from a vodka bottle and the other guy filled his with actual vodka. The poor soul. About 3 glasses in this guy threw up everywhere...I'm just happy it wasn't my house or I'd still be cleaning that shit up. It was a solid vomit stream, yeah a fucking stream, for at least 20 seconds. Have you guys ever seen supernatural? It looked like when the demons possessed someone or rushed out of them. Except replace that black stuff with vomit for 20 god damn seconds.
Without further adieu let's get back to what this blog is really about, alcohol. So do you guys and gals remember, in the post about sake? Where I mentioned how it's cold as your bitch of an exs heart when it's winter in Japan. In saying that, my most recent break up was alright, maybe they're not all bad. Food for thought! Hahah yeah you didn't think you'd have to think when you came to this blog did you, well tough tits. I'm very stimulating. I just realised how that sounded...no you got me, I don't write anything by accident. Back to my god damn point, if you don't remember the sake post then that's your loss because that was a choice blog post. I'm not about to go spoon feed you the details so go check it out using that side bar thing on the right. So winter in Japan might be cold but do you know where it's colder? Yeah you guessed it, Russia! The title may have given it away so no gold star for you. People say coffee is a hug from the inside...those people obviously haven't tried an Irish coffee. More importantly those people haven't tried or had enough Vodka. Now vodka tastes like absolute shit, hahah vodka joke, but it'll wake you right the hell up and give you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Kind of like a litter of puppies pilling on you. If you haven't had a litter of puppies jump on you all at once then go do that shit, they're adorable and fluffy. Either that or drink some vodka.
Now to keep in the spirit of things I'll provide some facts. It's usually around 40% ethanol which is a solid percentage. The funniest thing about this drink though is that it's name comes from a Slavic word for water, vod, yeah you know because it goes down just the same huh. This kind of explains a few of the stereotypes about the Russians and their love of vodka. I suppose it's fitting since it's basically water and ethanol, I mean why add flavour, ain't nobody got time for that when they're freezing their balls off up there. They just want puppy hugs! Don't let Russian people scare you, they're always giving out hugs...in bottles.
I don't really have a story for you about myself this time because I don't really enjoy drinking this stuff. I'd rather poison myself in other ways. But what I do have for you today is a great story of turning vodka into water, or well getting someone to believe that the vodka was water. So this guy was drunk as hell already...I mean he couldn't tell the difference between vodka and water. So what one of my mates decided to do was to play a drinking game, drink for drink. He filled his glass up with water from a vodka bottle and the other guy filled his with actual vodka. The poor soul. About 3 glasses in this guy threw up everywhere...I'm just happy it wasn't my house or I'd still be cleaning that shit up. It was a solid vomit stream, yeah a fucking stream, for at least 20 seconds. Have you guys ever seen supernatural? It looked like when the demons possessed someone or rushed out of them. Except replace that black stuff with vomit for 20 god damn seconds.
That pretty much says it all no?
"Watch this" - some idiot named Bassam says as he downs a whole bottle before attempting to jump over some barbed wire. Oh yeah...there's that story, just forgot about it. We'll leave that for another time shall we.
That's my time for today folks. Hope you enjoyed this shit as much as I did. Now back to my uni project where my group doesn't show up...again. Fucking, god damn, inconsiderate, uni students...the lot of them! And I just found out this girl I know uses her dog as a motorbike...may life show it mercy.
-Bassam
Thursday, 15 May 2014
The green fairy makes the...*drink*...woah
“After
the first glass of absinthe you see things as you wish they were. After the
second you see them as they are not. Finally you see things as they really are,
and that is the most horrible thing in the world. I mean disassociated. Take a
tophat… That is the effect absinthe has, and that is why it drives men mad.”
Sounds
hella’ rough doesn’t it? Well goods news, it is. Drinking a pure shot of
absinthe will god damn hurt and it probably won’t taste good for you at all,
well that’s how it was for me anyway. I would like to know if Sam has tried
absinthe, I’d have to ask him. But, I’m sure that dumb ‘kent’ had an excessive
amount of it if he has. Absinthe has often been
considered to contain aphrodisiac properties, which heighten sexual desire. Apart from the possibility of it being an
aphrodisiac and getting you drunk really quickly absinthe has other effects.
Absinthe's best
effects are how well it marries, beds down, gets it together with other
ingredients in an amazing range of cocktails. Absinthe may not be an
aphrodisiac but it is highly promiscuous! Or as C.F. Lawlor wrote in 1895 in
The Mixicologist:
"A cocktail is much improved by the addition of two or three drops of Absinthe."
"A cocktail is much improved by the addition of two or three drops of Absinthe."
The alcoholic content of absinthe is about
45% to 74% so you can see why it might get you drunk a little quicker than your
average shot of tequila or vodka. It’s nothing like Bacardi which hits 75%, but
it does the trick, and it does a hell of a fine job at making cocktails taste
better.
Absinthe was one of my very first spirits,
probably a poor choice seeing as I had a straight shot and I almost died (but
not really), I got to say I don’t fancy it straight at all, but when it’s put
in the right cocktail it really makes the difference.
If you are keen enough get out there one
night and try some Absinthe straight. If you aren’t game try it in a cocktail.
But fair warnings to the faint-hearted, if you don’t have the stomach, liver or
heart to handle the burn, just do it. You will most likely regret it, but YOLO
right? You never heard it from me.
Drink the booze and get fabulous!
~~~ Viet
References:
Info from:
Pictures from:
Brew of the Gods! - Mead
I’m back with another
fascinating and over enthusiastic story everyone! Sadly for you all, I will not
be shit talking Sam for half of the post, so don’t get your hopes up. Instead I’m
going to be telling you about the drink of the pagan Vikings, mead.
I bet you didn’t know
the term ‘Honeymoon’ owed its origin to mead! It was a tradition in the ages of
the Vikings where for the first month (moon) of marriage a bride was given mead
to promote fertility. In other words, she was given mead so that the husband
would bound to have some action for the first month of marriage.
Mead is one of, if not
the oldest alcoholic drink known to mankind. It’s a form of wine made with
honey instead of grape juice (thank the gods). We usually associate mead with the Vikings and in the Pagan community
with modern day Norse Pagans or Asatrus. It’s alcoholic content can range from
about 8% to more than 20%. It can be
still, carbonated or naturally sparkling, and it may be dry, semi-sweet or
sweet.
To make mead you need
honey, and to make honey you need bees. Without the bees you have no mead!
There are a variety of mead flavours depending on the source of honey,
additives including fruit and spices, and the yeast employed during
fermentation and the aging process. Sounds bloody delicious. Honey is liquid
gold, so why not make an alcoholic drink out it?! If you’re a honey lover and
an alcoholic enthusiast you have got to try some mead, I’m definitely going to
try some if I ever get the chance. Maybe tomorrow night?
Okay, sooo…. In Sam’s
post on Arak, he said that someone with a damaged liver from excessive alcohol
consumption is a like a fat chef, I will have to agree. I’m saying this because
I haven’t tried mead before. But you know, after having done my ‘research’ on
mead I have come to the conclusion I must try it. Yes. You heard me. I haven’t
tried Mead, yet I’m talking about it. Well screw you guy!/girl. I don’t take
shit from no man!/woman.
So go out there my fellow
enthusiasts of the alcoholic kind and try some mead if you haven’t already. If
you’re lucky you might find a love interest likes mead as much as you might ;)
They do say Honey lovers stick together ;)
~~~ Viet
References:
Info
from:
Pictures from:
Tuesday, 13 May 2014
Why we drink
So all of these posts have had a specific drink for a topic and our boring ass stories relating to the fore mentioned beverage. Yeah that's right, fancy words...kinda. I thought I'd change it up a little today and talk some shit about why we drink. Yes we. I'm including you! Feel special, give yourself a pat on the back. I've acknowledged you.
Let me tell you why alcohol is fucking great. First of all it has a myriad of uses, yeah I'm just busting out the vocab today. If you've had a good day then you should celebrate with a drink, get drunk, make some mistakes and balance out your day with of all the drunk decisions you've made. It's a necessary evil used to even out the world. You could also have a few if your day has been pretty shit, just to add some colour to your day and incidentally to your cheeks as well. Maybe your wife left you, you lost your favourite pen, Game of Thrones just got cancelled...you know all the terrible first world problems that can pop up.
*Insert tangent here* I mean I don't usually let you know but this is my god damn blog and I'll do what I want. I swear if Game of Thrones gets cancelled, or George R.R. Martin dies before finishing the books, I'm going to have another one of those benders. The last one was because Robert Jordan died before finishing the The Wheel of Time series... It was fucking 14 books and the last 3 were written by this imbecile by the name of Brandon Sanderson who ruined the entire thing! Ugh...I need a drink. And yes I read! For fuck sake, why are you so damn judgy all the time, you're not my mother.
Another reason we drink is because clubs would suck without alcohol. Fuck that was a seamless transition. What's the first thing you do in a club, yeah that's right you go to the bar and spend all your cash on drinks so you can have fun. Hey fuck you, I know what you're thinking, "This asshole goes and spends his money on drinks wherever he goes, why is he picking on clubs? I love getting my dance on. I always get girls at the club and they so fine. Why am I hitting myself? Oh that's because I'm stupid." Yeah, that's you. The only way you enjoy clubs is if you get drunk or high. Ever been to a club where you had fun and weren't drunk or high, yeah I didn't think so. *Drops the mic and walks away*
*Quickly rushes back to take the mic because he has some more dumb shit to say* My favourite reason to drink is because it's Monday, or really just any day. Let's face it, alcohol makes everything better, that's a fact. I mean if you go overboard and fuck your life up by knocking some chick up then I'd say alcohol isn't for you. But for seasoned veterans such as myself who know how to somewhat control themselves in their drunken stupor, it's the best thing ever. Everyone always says "Getting drunk shows the real you." Hipsters say this shit because they think it makes them sound smart but more importantly it lets them justify all the dumb shit they wear. It's true that alcohol reduces inhibitions and we start to forget societal expectations, which turns us into a bunch of horny, drooling, baby animals. At the end of the day all these higher level functions, that alcohol seems to remove, are what make us human and who we are. It's more accurate to say that alcohol turns us into what we'd be like if we were cavemen. "Oh girl! Me like. Me keep." Yeah, cavemen.
I'm afraid that's all I have time for today, yeah I know you're all so broken up about it. Remember, drink up but don't fuck up...well don't fuck up too badly anyway.
-Bassam
References:
Info from my wonderful and fucked up brain
Picture from http://drunkard.com/issues/03_06/0306_40_reasons.html
Monday, 12 May 2014
Arak - First drink ever
So a few things that I'd like to clear up. As cute as Viet is for trying to take some shots at me, I have trouble understanding how an underling can be superior. He should just stick to being my underling and not get too big a head about me allowing him to bask in my presence. Secondly, the liver thing. Generally fat chefs are trusted more because at least you know they love their food. The same goes with an alcoholic with a liver problem. At least you know I'm all about this stuff and I'm not some two bit hack. I'm totally not insinuating that Viet by any means is a two bit hack, he may or may not be...all I know is that he's not the one with the liver damage.
Now down to business, just let me find my drink...where the fuck did I... Right ok, drink, blanket and tv going on in the background, the perfect blogging environment. It might be the booze talking but I love who ever is reading this shit. Let's face it, it's terrible and the fact that you'd take the time out of your very short existence to read my ramblings is bloody crazy. As much as I love you I love Arak more. Let me tell you a little story about this wonderful drink. So the first time I had this was maybe 3...yeah shut up, it's not like my parents handed it to me or anything, it was just lying around. So basically I was young and naive. Unlike my current state in where I know all about the world through my various exploits, most of which are fueled by alcohol. Yeah yeah I know, get to the fucking point Bassam. So I waddled up to the table where all the grown ups were drinking and pulled a fast one. Next thing you know I'm laying on my back, face all red, laughing uncontrollably. It was then that I knew my true calling...I must get more of this goodness!
Anyway, according to Wikipedia arak is a Levantine drink which apparently has something to do with the Ottoman Empire. All I know is that those guys were pretty comfortable, hehehe, ok yeah...lame joke, shut up. The word arak means sweet in arabic, oh yeah I didn't even have to look that one up. Arab represent! Habib I swear, just add a spoiler to your car and it'll look fully sik cuz. Moving on...arak is usually 40-60% ethanol and around 80-120 proof. I'm already craving it just looking at these numbers, oh these sexy numbers. If you don't like aniseed then you'll hate this bad boy. It's made by fermenting grapes, yeah yeah like wine but it's not wine so shut your gob. The stills used are made from copper or steel and then come in two different shapes, pot or column. After all that it's mixed with aniseed to give it that final finish. When it is all filtered out it should be a clear liquid, but when you add water to it it turns white! How fucking trippy is that...like you need to confuse a drunk person some more by adding magic to the equation.
I love this drink. Yeah I love every drink but this one more than most. It's probably my second favourite, right after tequila. When I can't get my hands on arak I go for uzo, which is the Greek version of it.
Oh and next time Viet...make sure you actually come up with some good calls.
That's my time for the day, hopefully my group will get their asses into gear and help me finish this damned project. I'll just leave you with this wonderful analysis of what arak does to you..."Dad...the room is spinning" - 13 year old Bassam.
-Bassam
References:
Picture from http://www.owned.com/tag/drunk+meme/page/2/
Info from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arak_(drink)
Now down to business, just let me find my drink...where the fuck did I... Right ok, drink, blanket and tv going on in the background, the perfect blogging environment. It might be the booze talking but I love who ever is reading this shit. Let's face it, it's terrible and the fact that you'd take the time out of your very short existence to read my ramblings is bloody crazy. As much as I love you I love Arak more. Let me tell you a little story about this wonderful drink. So the first time I had this was maybe 3...yeah shut up, it's not like my parents handed it to me or anything, it was just lying around. So basically I was young and naive. Unlike my current state in where I know all about the world through my various exploits, most of which are fueled by alcohol. Yeah yeah I know, get to the fucking point Bassam. So I waddled up to the table where all the grown ups were drinking and pulled a fast one. Next thing you know I'm laying on my back, face all red, laughing uncontrollably. It was then that I knew my true calling...I must get more of this goodness!
I'd like to think I was as suave as this little guy.
I love this drink. Yeah I love every drink but this one more than most. It's probably my second favourite, right after tequila. When I can't get my hands on arak I go for uzo, which is the Greek version of it.
Oh and next time Viet...make sure you actually come up with some good calls.
That's my time for the day, hopefully my group will get their asses into gear and help me finish this damned project. I'll just leave you with this wonderful analysis of what arak does to you..."Dad...the room is spinning" - 13 year old Bassam.
-Bassam
References:
Picture from http://www.owned.com/tag/drunk+meme/page/2/
Info from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arak_(drink)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, they say...
Nice to see you all again! *sarcasm*
Yes, yes. I know, I know. You want Bassam (I call him Sam), well guess what, you ain't getting him today, instead you are getting his much more superior underling, Viet, me. Unlike Sam however, my liver won't be giving out anytime soon, so I'm pretty sure I got a lifetime of drinking to look forward to!
Now you see, I'm a sucker for beer, stuff mixes, stuff wines, stuff spirits, I'm a beer kind of guy. They say a fine beer can be judged with only one sip, but it's better be thoroughly sure.
But, I'm not here to talk about beer, sadly. I'm here to talk about my go to alcoholic beverage if beer is not available, cider. For all you amateurs out there who don't know a single thing about cider, it is a fermented alcoholic beverage made out of apple juice. The alcoholic content of such beverages usually range from 3% to 8%. If you're from the United States or Germany, you better know this beverage as Apple Wine. Ewww, the word wine just makes me cringe. I hate the stuff (no hate pls), so lets keep calling it cider shall we?
So obviously cider is going to have a hint of apple essence to it, because it's made from apple juice, if you didn't figure that out by now, you're a mong. Previous experience at pubs and bars leads me to believe the general consensus for cider is that its an inferior product - compared to beer, of course it is. However, in my opinion, separate to my beliefs on beer it is NOT an inferior alcoholic beverage (not taking into account beer) that is consumed in large amounts by cheap-ass uni and college students alike. HELL NAW! It has some suave, style, sophistication (alliteration op) and tonnes of complexity if it's done right. So go out of your way for once and try some cider if you haven't already next time your out on the town. Tell them the functioning alcoholics sent you, that will surely send you a few "wtf?" stares from the bartenders.
Ciders can be what the "professionals" call either dry to sweet in flavour. You can tell it's a cider just by looking at it in most cases, their appearances range from cloudy with sediment to completely clear, and their colour ranges from light yellow to orange to brown. Most of this depends on the filtering, pressing and fermentation process. The apple variety used will also effect whether the cider produced is clear or not, ciders can be made sparking or still; the sparking version being more common - to which I prefer.
So go out there my fellow alcohol enthusiasts and buy a cider next time your out, and remember, tell the bartenders the functioning alcoholics @ "functioningalcoholicsblogspot.com" sent you and tell them about us - a ploy for free advertising. Remember kiddies, a cider a day, keeps the doctor away.
Drink up my friends!
~~~ Viet
References:
Info from:
Pictures from:
Yes, yes. I know, I know. You want Bassam (I call him Sam), well guess what, you ain't getting him today, instead you are getting his much more superior underling, Viet, me. Unlike Sam however, my liver won't be giving out anytime soon, so I'm pretty sure I got a lifetime of drinking to look forward to!
Now you see, I'm a sucker for beer, stuff mixes, stuff wines, stuff spirits, I'm a beer kind of guy. They say a fine beer can be judged with only one sip, but it's better be thoroughly sure.
I gotta tell Sam about this place!
So obviously cider is going to have a hint of apple essence to it, because it's made from apple juice, if you didn't figure that out by now, you're a mong. Previous experience at pubs and bars leads me to believe the general consensus for cider is that its an inferior product - compared to beer, of course it is. However, in my opinion, separate to my beliefs on beer it is NOT an inferior alcoholic beverage (not taking into account beer) that is consumed in large amounts by cheap-ass uni and college students alike. HELL NAW! It has some suave, style, sophistication (alliteration op) and tonnes of complexity if it's done right. So go out of your way for once and try some cider if you haven't already next time your out on the town. Tell them the functioning alcoholics sent you, that will surely send you a few "wtf?" stares from the bartenders.
Ciders can be what the "professionals" call either dry to sweet in flavour. You can tell it's a cider just by looking at it in most cases, their appearances range from cloudy with sediment to completely clear, and their colour ranges from light yellow to orange to brown. Most of this depends on the filtering, pressing and fermentation process. The apple variety used will also effect whether the cider produced is clear or not, ciders can be made sparking or still; the sparking version being more common - to which I prefer.
So go out there my fellow alcohol enthusiasts and buy a cider next time your out, and remember, tell the bartenders the functioning alcoholics @ "functioningalcoholicsblogspot.com" sent you and tell them about us - a ploy for free advertising. Remember kiddies, a cider a day, keeps the doctor away.
Drink up my friends!
~~~ Viet
References:
Info from:
Pictures from:
Saturday, 10 May 2014
Wine - Because who needs water
"Fuck water is boring, ya'll need some wine" - Jesus. Yeah, I went there.
I'm back my friends, or well anyone who's depressed enough to be reading this terrible blog. So the thing is...I'm not the best son in the world, I almost forgot that it was mothers day today. I know I should be shunned! I mean I didn't completely forget so hold off on the angry mob for a second while I rant for a bit about wine. Oh right, that anecdote about mothers day actually has something to do with wine, crazy right. So basically what happened was that dad casually asked last night around 11 pm if I'd gotten mum a present. Of course I replied over enthusiastically to cover up the fact that I was fighting the urge to shit myself because I'd forgotten all about it. And yeah a bloody great time to remind your forgetful son about mothers day right, I'm convinced he knew I'd forgotten and it was all a set up. In any case this morning I went down to good old Dan Murphys, yeah yeah shut up, and picked up this wine she's been going on and on about. Yeah fuck you for thinking I can't remember anything at all, you judgmental so and so. Anyway, I don't know much about wine but this damn thing was a $200 Chardonnay. Guess who just went from a shit son to a...well slightly less shitty one. Yeah, you guessed it. Me! It was me. I should be a game show host... I mean I could just drink to cover up the stage fright and who doesn't like watching drunk people try to do things. That's a million dollar idea right there! This blog is going to make me rich, the ideas it gives me a gold. Fuck, where was I...oh right! So bla bla she was happy with it, good for me, yay.
I've said this before and I'll be dammed if I don't say it a few more times before my liver completely gives out and I lay in a hospital bed wondering why they aren't handing me a shot glass to dull the pain. Huh...that reminds me...I need a drink! Back to my point, I've never been the biggest fan of wine. I mean I'll drink it but it wouldn't be my first choice. Let's be real, I'm an alcoholic, it's not like I'd skip drinking if all there is is wine.
So let's get through this boring stuff about how wine is made and all that jazz. So wine is usually made from grapes, great. The dream is to have some busty chick, in some transparent dress, feed you grapes while you lay on your throne, sipping wine and decide the fate of your subjects. No? Just me then...awkward. It can also be made from other fruit but we've all decided that grapes are the shit when it comes to making wine. I bet the grapes talk shit in the fruit stores, acting all high and mighty just because they are squished up and fermented using yeast to create some of the most elegant blends in the world. These blends just tickle your taste buds, or so my gay friend told me. According to Wikipedia, don't knock it it got me through high school with flying colours, the first records of wine are traced back to Georgia around 6000 BC. It then made its way to Greece and Rome where they loved this shit so much that they were convinced that this was god sent. The Greeks had Dionysus, literally the god of parties, and then the Romans were all like, "Man that shit looks g, let's just say that Dionysus is our god too". Usually the Romans would at least change the names of the gods they 'adapted' but in this case they were all probably too drunk to care.
Wise words from my good mate Charles. Speaking for myself...I'd pick wine, who gives a rats ass about virtue or poetry these days, amirite? That's all I really have to say about this topic today. So you know, piss off and I'll see you around later or something.
-Bassam
References:
Info from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wine
Picture from http://winetastingguy.com/
I'm back my friends, or well anyone who's depressed enough to be reading this terrible blog. So the thing is...I'm not the best son in the world, I almost forgot that it was mothers day today. I know I should be shunned! I mean I didn't completely forget so hold off on the angry mob for a second while I rant for a bit about wine. Oh right, that anecdote about mothers day actually has something to do with wine, crazy right. So basically what happened was that dad casually asked last night around 11 pm if I'd gotten mum a present. Of course I replied over enthusiastically to cover up the fact that I was fighting the urge to shit myself because I'd forgotten all about it. And yeah a bloody great time to remind your forgetful son about mothers day right, I'm convinced he knew I'd forgotten and it was all a set up. In any case this morning I went down to good old Dan Murphys, yeah yeah shut up, and picked up this wine she's been going on and on about. Yeah fuck you for thinking I can't remember anything at all, you judgmental so and so. Anyway, I don't know much about wine but this damn thing was a $200 Chardonnay. Guess who just went from a shit son to a...well slightly less shitty one. Yeah, you guessed it. Me! It was me. I should be a game show host... I mean I could just drink to cover up the stage fright and who doesn't like watching drunk people try to do things. That's a million dollar idea right there! This blog is going to make me rich, the ideas it gives me a gold. Fuck, where was I...oh right! So bla bla she was happy with it, good for me, yay.
I've said this before and I'll be dammed if I don't say it a few more times before my liver completely gives out and I lay in a hospital bed wondering why they aren't handing me a shot glass to dull the pain. Huh...that reminds me...I need a drink! Back to my point, I've never been the biggest fan of wine. I mean I'll drink it but it wouldn't be my first choice. Let's be real, I'm an alcoholic, it's not like I'd skip drinking if all there is is wine.
So let's get through this boring stuff about how wine is made and all that jazz. So wine is usually made from grapes, great. The dream is to have some busty chick, in some transparent dress, feed you grapes while you lay on your throne, sipping wine and decide the fate of your subjects. No? Just me then...awkward. It can also be made from other fruit but we've all decided that grapes are the shit when it comes to making wine. I bet the grapes talk shit in the fruit stores, acting all high and mighty just because they are squished up and fermented using yeast to create some of the most elegant blends in the world. These blends just tickle your taste buds, or so my gay friend told me. According to Wikipedia, don't knock it it got me through high school with flying colours, the first records of wine are traced back to Georgia around 6000 BC. It then made its way to Greece and Rome where they loved this shit so much that they were convinced that this was god sent. The Greeks had Dionysus, literally the god of parties, and then the Romans were all like, "Man that shit looks g, let's just say that Dionysus is our god too". Usually the Romans would at least change the names of the gods they 'adapted' but in this case they were all probably too drunk to care.
Just look at these two smug bastards, sipping on that wine. He's going to ruin her later tonight.
"One should always be drunk. That's all that matters...But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you chose. But get drunk." - Charles Baudelaire
-Bassam
References:
Info from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wine
Picture from http://winetastingguy.com/
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)