So the history lesson begins right off the mark! Exciting, new, fresh and...who am I kidding, no one gives a rats ass where the history lesson comes in. You guys know about arak from my previous posts, because you're all such dedicated readers and all that shit. Yay for you! Also you might want to get your mental health checked out if you've been reading all these posts. Hey I'm just looking out for you, don't be a dick about it. So what the Mongols did was basically kick everyone's ass everywhere. Like a bull in a china shop or a bull anywhere really. I mean it's a fucking bull, it'll fuck whatever it wants up. They picked up certain skills on their many endeavors. Like how to pour molten gold over a surrendering head of state or how to manage supply routes, you know, the day to day things that keep a huge nation running. The most important thing they learnt though was how to make arak. Apparently these mongol snobs didn't quite like the taste of it. I suppose their taste buds have been destroyed by the curdled horse milk they enjoyed so much, and the cheese they made from it. So what they decided to do was to create something new called soju. This drink was mainly produced in Korea around the 13th century. Everyone knows the official story of why the North and South split but only a few of us know the truth...I'll share it with you at great risk to my life. They were arguing over whose soju was better, plain and simple. Like two girls fighting over the same boy for prom night...it gets ugly. And I mean ugly...there's running mascara and tears, ugh. Moooooving on, it says most brands of soju are from South Korea but that's just because the North wants to keep all the good shit to themselves. I'm telling you, don't trust what you hear on the news. What is true though is that the alcohol percentage ranges from 16 to 40 and, unless you're a sorority girl, it is served neat. This is also another grain alcohol, who needs food when you can get drunk. Apparently South Korea needs food because they called a ban in production of soju from 1965 to 1999 due to rice shortages. What madness is this?! 35 whole years without soju...what were the Koreans going to drink. Oh right, I guess they could just import stuff or make other drinks that didn't involve rice...but if I lead with that there'd be no drama. You all love dramas right?
So now that we have all that boring shit out of the way, it's time for me to tell you about a story of mine. So snuggle up, make yourself a cup of tea and get ready to be put to sleep. Fuck...I mean it's relaxing to read not boring. You know what fuck you, I don't see you writing anything so just shut your fat gob. So I went to Uncle Mings, yes! The greatest bar in the world, 55 york street in Sydney. More shameless advertising and still no damn pay. The soju I had basically tasted like bitter water. Even the bitterness was so faint that I didn't notice that it wasn't water... See shit like this is why I have a damaged liver. And that girl I mentioned last post is on my god damn ass to get this thing out already. Mainly because she can't deal with this weird kid in her group. It's kinda funny really. Anyways my mate that was with meat the time thought it'd be funny to give me a whole bottle of this but in the cups they have water in. Long story short after a long stumble to the bus stop I threw up on some lady who slapped me with her purse. I swear the bitch had bricks in there.
Yeah that was pretty much me, the guy on the right.
Are you happy now Allegra?! It's fucking done...jeez, women these days. I swear that's why men started brewing this shit, something had to work. Anyways that's my time for now. As always, drink up.
"I'm so sorry ma'am...that's a nice dress though" - some random blogger in a drunken stupor.
-Bassam
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